saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
