my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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