dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
