perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
