Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she woke up with a sticky ear
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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