Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you win again, gameday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
