you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
