yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
