Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
