If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
