Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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