Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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