did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
