So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
