So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
