I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
