We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
