someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
