i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I am one with the molecules
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
