my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
