It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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