She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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