she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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