definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
