If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
