when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
