So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
