It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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