Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
