I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Found your dick twin last night
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
