I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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