just survived the first fart of the relationship.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who died my cat blue again?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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