Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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