seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
