I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
