It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
