His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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