In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my sisters under your porch take her home
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
