I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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