I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
