you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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