I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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