I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
