We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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