I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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