What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
