i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
