apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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