Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
