I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
