if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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