I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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