Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
