you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
