So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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