Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
