so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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